What I Learned On My First Cruise (Female Version)

No chores?

None. Nada. It’s really weird. Read on for a list that will have you booking your cruise asap.

1. There are absolutely no chores or tasks to do. At all. As a lifelong working mom, chef wanna-be, household maid and bookkeeper (you get the picture), I found it somewhat eerie and uncomfortable that every last thing is done for you. Every meal, snack, cocktail is ready when you are. Every square inch of the cabin is cleaned and tidied. Every bit of laundry is returned to you, neat and folded (depending on cruise). Every question is answered. All activities and entertainment are planned. The good news is that I quickly became acclimated to this new life, even if it was only seven days. Upon return home, I felt lost when I realized my bed didn’t make itself and there was no bartender at my kitchen island. Oh, and there was no towel art swan greeting me in the afternoon.
2. The bathrooms are too small and steamy to do dressing, proper hair and makeup. I preferred to takeover the whole cabin (and large mirror) which means that if you’re sharing with someone other than your life partner, it works well to suggest field trips to the library or ice cream machine.
3. If you plan to be on foot in the smaller ports of call, immediately go to the farthest end of town or district within reasonable walking distance and work your way backwards. The closest shops and points of interest to the ship were always crowded. The farther out, the thinner the crowds and better the deals. By the time we worked our way back, the crowds always seemed to have scattered and waned. This simple strategy ensured that we had nearly exclusive access to the places that were mobbed just a few hours or day before.
4. Bring outstanding walking shoes. See above. No “my sandals are giving me a blister” excuses.
5. If in doubt, definitely do the cruise upgrades. Large cabin windows or balconies are the difference between world class (private) waterfront and just a room. If you drink or must use internet, buy those packages. If you’re trying to save some cash, you’re also going to be the type that stresses out about individual charges. The packages truly are a better deal. After my cruise experience, I’d choose to go on one loaded cruise over two frugal cruises. Quality over quantity.
6. Eat well, choose healthy first. It’s so easy to throw in the towel when entering All-You-Can- Eat food fantasyland. But, decadent can become a disaster. The goal is to feel great and thoroughly enjoy your days. I scavenged the buffet line and menus for healthy choices and filled up on those first. The bonus is that it was fun trying new things (grilled tomatoes for breakfast were a new one for me). I promised that if I filled up on fruit and vegetable focused items first, I could always have the treats later. (Like the truffle fries at midnight, for example.) I actually came back two pounds lighter! (That means if I go on 10 more cruises….)
7. Plan to meditate or have reading material during onboarding and offboarding situations. Depending on the ship, there are hundreds of guests doing the same thing you are. With limited entry points and screening procedures, it’s easy to do the math. Just plan for it and accept it as an opportunity to catch up on an article or whatever. Better yet, go on the peripheral timeframes (as early or late as possible).
8. Prepare to be pleasantly surprised at how good the entertainment, talks/seminars, and activities are. If you’re on the fence, go. You can always slip out if it’s not your thing. I always found that the music, the shows and the talks were more than I imagined they would be.
9. If you’re cruising with multiple parties (family, group) have very specific meet up plans and places or walkie talkies. The ships are huge and everyone gets distracted with new findings and Vacation Brain. We spent quite a bit of time trying to find each other when directions were too generic. (We’ll meet you on pool deck XYZ after we’re done doing ABC. Ya right.)
10. Don’t set your expectations like the million dollar promotional pictures. When you’re perusing the advertising and websites, you’ll see many photos of the ships and views but you’ll also see spectacular photos of the off board, surrounding areas. If these images imprint on your mental itinerary, you’ll be dreaming of panning for gold under a majestic Alaskan waterfall with a bald eagle circling above. And, you’ll be disappointed (unless you book the ultimate $$$ excursion). Also, about ninety percent of the time, it won’t be just you and your beloved in the hot tub with a glass of champagne under the stars. And, let’s not forget that those secluded tropical beaches of the Caribbean don’t exist after a thousand people get off a ship. And so on.
11. The staff on the ships are unbelievable. They are either natural born hospitalians or they get world class training. (Maybe both?) They are typically from countries all over the world. From the housekeepers to the band members, they all have stories to tell and backgrounds that may be completely different than yours.

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